Slutteria

Ah, Lotteria. The Korean McDonalds. Here you can find your traditional fast food fare, as well as “Koreanized” fast food. What does that include? Kimchi burgers, squid burgers, nasty processed chesse fries as well as other indistinguishable items. It’s a regular part of Westernized life in Korea, much like a full night of clubbing. Actually, the two have more in common then you might think. Allow us to explain.
Usually a night of clubbing begins long before arriving at the club. At about 6pm, the stream of phone calls and text messaging starts to flow. “What r u doin 2nite?” or “U goin out 2nite?” or from your friend whose already drunk “Cum out bitch!!!” Deciding where to go is a long process, and 12 foreigners do not easily reach a decision. This is just as difficult as trying to get everyone to agree on a fast food restaurant. Imagine a car full of 20-somethings who are all really hungry. In the drivers seat you have the ultimate decision maker who is generally pretty annoyed. Why? Because all of the passengers are debating the pros and cons of various fast food chains. After driving around the same block 5 times finally the crew agrees on McDonalds. Just as the driver pulls into the lot someone in the back seat shouts, “BURGER KING!” and the whole process repeats itself. After 4 hours of continuous calls and texts the driver is one fry short of a happy meal and screams “Alright! We’re going to Taco Bell!” And the decision is final.
So now you are at the club. In your hand you clutch your most valuable possession, your ticket that reads “One free drink (up to 6,000won)”. As your eyes wander over the drink menu, you try to find the magical drink that not only posses the most alcohol but is also as close as possible to the 6,000won limit. Similarly, by the time you order your food you are so hungry that you have trouble making a decision. Nuggets or double cheeseburger? Do I want to Supersize? Umm… Then finally you make the call. “I’ll have a number 8, hold the mayo.”, or if you’re at Lotteria in Korea, you say “Chicken burger set-uh 8, my-o-naise no” (as you make an ‘x’ with your arms). You are satisfied with your decision until you see your friend stuffing a cheeseburger in his mouth. It looks so good. The cheese is perfectly melted, the patty is perfectly rounded and it was on sale. DAMNIT! Why didn’t you see the giant banner marked “Big Event: Cheeseburger 1,000won”? Not to mention the fact it’s what everyone else was ordering. So at the club, you stare at your measly rum and coke with contempt as your friend throws back a tall Long Island as asks, “Dude, why did you order that? Didn’t you see the banner?” Damn.
As the night wears on and you stop tasting the rum in your coke (yet you continue to drink them) and your fries become cold (yet you continue to eat them) things get a little… outta control. You are no longer in the drive thru, you ARE the drive thru. Lotteria has changed it’s name to “Slutteria” and you have a line of cars wrapped around your establishment. Number 8 is the combo of choice. “I’ll have a double ass-grabbing combo, with a side of heavy grinding. Hold the face licking.”
If this keeps up you might one day start a franchise. Mind the banners and ignore the kid in the back seat. Just before you start throwing free happy meals at patrons, thank God you have a “manager”, a.k.a. best friend who can announce over the intercom, “Sorry, we’re out of the Rodeo Burger.”


*Written by Katie and Briana